(CONTINUED)

GUPPIES IN A SHARK TANK

We are now facing a troubling reality. Our children are in great danger. Not from a new threat but rather from an old one we are only beginning to really grasp. While understanding “stranger danger” and knowing what to do about it has always been a staple of training our children to stay safe, recent research continues to point to an insidious and far greater threat of sexual abuse. Namely, at the hands people we know well, admire and trust.

This is a bitter pill to swallow, but it helps to explain why one out of four girls and one out of six boys are molested before their 18th birthday. It also helps explain why only 3% of offenders are ever apprehended and convicted. Those who eventually admit to molesting recount, on average, close to 120 offenses.

Tragic cases like that of Polly Klaas point out the very real risks children face at the hands of “Grabbers”. It’s hard to think of a worse case scenario, yet we focus on that threat at our peril if we ignore the 95% of molesters characterized as “Groomers”. Whether of the Opportunistic” sort, taking advantage of the children who come their way, or the “Predatory” sort who go out of their way to position themselves advantageously, these Groomers pose an enormous ongoing threat to our children. That’s the bad news.

The good news is that their behavior has been exhaustively studied of late, giving all of us ammunition, in the form of knowledge, with which to better deal with them and keep our children safe.

IT DOES TAKE A VILLAGE
Teaching our children to “Say no! Get away and tell!” is imperative in dealing with the stranger danger that Grabbers represent. Unfortunately Groomers nurture the trust of children over time, blurring the lines of loving behavior and abusive violation, making it harder for children to escape their cunning web. Current research points out that with Groomers the first victim is actually the family, school or organization wherein they position themselves in order to establish trusting relationships.

As a result, the responsibility to prevent sexual abuse at the hands of Groomers starts with the adult caregivers. Accomplished con artists, the Groomers seek out opportunity, driven by their sexual compulsion. They are helpful and charming. Unlike other helpful and charming people Groomers have a one-track mind. If thwarted by adults with firm boundaries and cut off from access to the children they covet, they will quickly disappear and find easier targets.

Groomers are accomplished liars as well as very slippery characters. That’s why it’s imperative for caretaking adults to become familiar with their methods, defenses and evasions. All too often it’s easier to avoid conflict and not challenge behavior that is suspicious, or worse. Often communication between parents, sharing information about a particular coach or priest, could have raised red flags that never got raised. If everyone chooses to look the other way Groomers will continue to flourish. That’s why it takes a village, a village that includes Child Protection workers and police officers. While it is important to remain vigilant and communicate with others, when it comes to investigating a situation always defer to professionals!

CHARM AS A WEAPON
Anyone breaking into a home or pulling a child into a car is pretty easy to identify as a bad guy. If someone stuck a gun in your face you’d have no doubt you were in trouble. But what about someone who uses charm as a weapon? Groomers are experts at it. With a compulsive fixation on their prey, they will take their time, first seeking out vulnerable adults.

Once they have ingratiated themselves to a parent, or a school, or a team or a congregation they will position themselves with access to the children. At all stages of this process they may exercise great patience, testing the waters one step at a time as they go, until they feel safe enough to turn up the heat with the child, crossing one boundary line after another.

Once a trusting relationship has been established, it will become all the more difficult for a child to put a stop to the abuse. Although less than half of Groomers use force or threats to enforce silence, fear of damaging the relationship can prove to be a strong force within the child, prohibiting disclosure.

In the event of being caught in the act or if a child should make some sort of disclosure the Groomer will use that same charm to deny it or excuse it away as an “accident”. If that doesn’t work he may resort to intimidation, outrage, and/or threat of lawsuit. This is often enough to cause adults with weak boundaries to back down. After all, this is someone you know and trust and respect. It’s not the bogeyman in the closet, right? Wrong.

It is of paramount importance to believe children when they have the courage to disclose abusive behavior. Don’t let charm hypnotize your good judgment.

DIRTY OLD MEN IN RAINCOATS?
From research done with known offenders it has come to light that most pedophiles begin offending around the age of 13 or 14. When you realize that approximately half of child sexual molestation takes place at the hands of babysitters it starts to make more sense. If only Groomers were as easy to pick out as a man wearing a raincoat in the sunshine our task would be simple.

Unfortunately Groomers come in all sizes and shapes, male and female, young and old, rich and poor, from every religion, race and sexual preference. Whatever image you have in your mind of what a molester looks like is merely an impediment to realizing that it could be anyone.

SO IF RAINCOATS AREN’T A CLUE, WHAT IS?
Aside from the obvious, witnessing something inappropriate, getting first hand information from a child, or if there is a change in mood or behavior on a child’s part in relation to any individual, it must be taken seriously. If the person in question is TOO helpful, TOO eager to be there for your child, or seems TOO good to be true perhaps he is. Of course, there is no shortage of good, helpful, generous people who love children. The question arises in conjunction to other suspicions. An awareness of the predatory methodology of Groomers is a critical factor in evaluating your gut feelings.

When someone’s helpfulness and charm is coupled with a preference for the company of children and they evidence little respect for boundaries, red flags should start going up. Limiting children’s contact with people about whom you have suspicions is a precautionary move. Better safe than sorry.

To understand Groomer methodology in depth we recommend reading Identifying Child Molesters by Carla Van Dam, PhD. Nothing will protect your children more than being surrounded by adults who understand the scope and the nature of the threat they face at the hands of socially skilled molesters.
If there really is a bogeyman wearing a raincoat he is living in your stomach. Pay attention to him there.

WHAT OUR CHILDREN NEED TO KNOW
You don’t touch a hot stove. You don’t cross the road at a red light. You don’t go places with strangers. The basics are important. Underlying the fundamentals of SAY NO, GET AWAY AND TELL SOMEONE, is the understanding that some things are not okay, such as having someone touch your private parts or being asked to touch theirs. Understanding that it’s your body, and that abuse in all its manifestations is wrong is critical to safety. Additionally, in order to facilitate a child’s disclosure, it is important that he or she recognize that abuse at the hands of anyone older or bigger is never their fault and that anyone who treats them this way is the one who has the problem.

Children need to understand that no one, stranger or family member, trusted teacher, coach, or beloved clergyman has the right to abuse them in any way.

They also need to know that while you might become upset upon hearing of such things you will not be upset with them.

The distinction between privacy, surprises and secrets needs to be made clear to children. Secrets, things that you are never supposed to tell, need to become a red flag. Ironically, being pressured into keeping secrets is a trigger to tell.

Secret touching is above all taboo. Children should be encouraged to tell about inappropriate touching even if it was supposedly “accidental”. Groomers are exceedingly clever in their gradual escalation of boundary violations.

They will often rough house and tickle in the presence of supervising adults in order to normalize the behavior and test the boundaries of those in charge.
Children need to know who to turn to in such a crisis. Identifying trusted adults as their very own personal support system will increase their confidence and sense of wellbeing.
Encouraging children to continue telling trusted adults until someone believes them is another key factor in ending abuse.

IS THERE A LIFEGUARD ON DUTY?
The most we can expect from our children is to know the basic rules and how some people might try to trick them, and what they should do about it. What Groomers count on are non-vigilant adults, already seduced by the Groomer’s charms and helpfulness, who fail to recognize dangerous patterns. When both children and adults are aware of the real threats that Groomers present, then they can be uncovered and apprehended or at least avoided.
As adults we need to recognize that socially skilled Groomers are expert con men (and women!). They are adept at securing the silence of children through various means of coercion, allegiance or threat. They may have already driven a wedge between child and parent to enhance their own position and control.

They seek out the vulnerable and exploit them. Compulsively driven, they scheme and manipulate all the time. Their first victim will usually be you. Then they will exploit that trust.
It’s not the most pleasant thing to think about. But failing to comprehend the danger could be far more unpleasant. Knowledge is power.

Share it with your children!

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STREAMING VIDEO PREVIEWS

Time To Tell

What Tadoo

What Tadoo w/ Secrets

Believe Me

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